It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm just crazy horny about you
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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