I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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