I didn't shave. On purpose
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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