Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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