I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
my being single is dangerous.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
