oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
