The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
