Apparently you make a good broom.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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