you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
