why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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