No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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