im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
