Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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