Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
