in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
