Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
