apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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