my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
There r osticjed everywhere
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
