We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
