Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
