the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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