If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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