Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
