We won't sleep together?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
