mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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