Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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