i may or may not be watching the land before time
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
