woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
