At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
