here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
