How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize