My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
it's like heaven, but drunker
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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