i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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