evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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