Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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