tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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