You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
