he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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