you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
