Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
