I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
They should really pass out barf bags in church
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
