I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
