the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My vagina is officially offended.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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