I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
