Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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