I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
