wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
