I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
