I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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