I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
