i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
