i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
stop calling my apartment porn island.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
