your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
i think my cat just said my name.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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