I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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