His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
