You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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