last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
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