Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
