mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
