If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
