shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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