I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
