she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
