im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
and you said cock pushups were impossible
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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