new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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