i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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